MY SELF-REFLECTION

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What would you call it “LIFE” I am so disturbed, so sad but not depressed?
I am placed with a lot of opportunities but not sure where it will all end.
Life has actually been a rollercoaster for me, I have pushed really hard for success.
I have listened to a lot of inspirational speeches, attended  seminars.
I have tried and tried, what I have realized in my journey is that as I progress there comes another storm, as I overcome one storm another one shows up.
I am not in a bad place but I realize I am at the peak of been successful and giving up.
I crave to be successful, I visualize my life and I see myself in a good place, standing among a multitude of people, giving a speech, at the end of the speech there comes my husband and five children. Four boys and a girl.
I see my husband placing a kiss on my forehead and whispering in my ear “I AM PROUD OF YOU”
I hope I come back to this article  and tell you this thought has manifested because I strongly believe in the power of positive thinking and visualization.
Growing up, my life has always been built with negative thoughts. I don’t believe nor trust anyone, even if you give me a compliment I see it as a negative thing or a flatter.
I stayed and remained small to myself for a long time, I went into relationships feeling like I don’t deserve one, I was feeling like I don’t deserve to be loved. I lost precious relationships that would have Turn out to be next to perfect. I was just too negative and too quick to jump into conclusions.
I ended up in a relationship where I had children for my husband however I didn’t develop, I was still negative, not recognizing what’s in store or how to hold myself obliterated me, my spouse saw everything and exploited by mishandling me. I Express gratitude to God because all his doings  opened my inward eye. What I intended to gain from a youthful age of 10 to 26years was learnt it in eight years. With severe agony and trouble, I learnt hard. This drove me to discouragement.
Imagine somebody with a low confidence, finding herself in an injurious relationship, she will quickly get to the road of sadness and depression .
These were every one of my attributes however summoning strength to leave the relationship and going to fend for myself was my most prominent accomplishment. I left the relationship, I chose to leave torment, cynicism, despondency, fear, anxiousness.
I sat down and identified my strength and weakness . I distinguish
my growing up, Identified the kind of individual my parents were, I endeavored to trait every one of my practices to my dad`s or my mum`s.
Life knocked me down really bad. Having figured out all these I realized my first problem is starting something and not finishing it.
 I started university, struggled to finish the last semester and never attended my graduation ceremony, so I started from there, I went to my graduation ceremony, to put a tick to that. Ok, what kind of a person do I want to be, I analyze myself and visualized where I wanted to be in the next five years, I put a tick on that too.
Now how do I make sure things I  visualized came into reality? I had to put in some work.
 I had a long time friend called Emmanuel, he was part of the first set of people I met when I first got into the Uk, the first time he saw me he said he wanted to marry me then, I was actually glad until I knew he was married, I hated him ever since but he was still a friend.
I gave him a call and he was glad I did, he was going through a rough time with his wife as well, they both decided to part ways and there you go, I was vulnerable at that time and needed someone to make me feel safe, we started getting close but he keep reminding he wanted us to be friends but in my head I wanted more, I feel like I am being cut open from my neck down to my abdomen and needed closure, I seek that closure from him. He was also hurting at the same time so that makes the two of us.
He started becoming a little bit aggressive with the way he talks and at some point I had to say to him no way I cant leave an abusive relationship and end up in another one, he said he was trying to invest in me and my children but I do not appreciate it, I asked him if I was a car or furniture or a mortgage that you invest in, I told him I don’t need him to invest in me, I only needed him to love me and respect me. We stopped talking, I was very hurt, scared, lonely and ashamed of myself.
I decided to start writing…To be continue

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Duchess International Magazine is an Inspirational, lifestyle, Fashion and Style publication.

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