Domestic violence – Choices we make in Life.


Having a friend to talk to at your lowest point in my life brings about peace. It makes me know that I am not alone. I did not realise domestic abuse exist, In my mid-thirties ,married with kids but I believe every challenges you faced was due to marital issues that is always meant to happen to every relationship. I am putting this out because I know there will be many people like me that does not know what domestic violence is all about.

Domestic violence can be define as a pattern of abusive behaviour that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another partner in any relationship.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. These includes any behaviours that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone, name-calling or putdowns, keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends, withholding money, stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job, actual or threatened physical harm, sexual assault, stalking, intimidation.

The big problem with this is that if you have got kids, they see this kind of life as a normal way of life. Your son will grow up thinking the best way of life is to treat his wife the same way Daddy treat Mum or vice versa because that is what they see and your daughter will not be expecting to be treated any different from her husband. Don’t forget we are a replica of our parents.

For me being in an abusive relationship was a tough life which I didn`t realise for a long time, Iwas thought they were challenges you face in your matrimonial home and they will go away some day also thinking my parent are still together, my sister is with her husband, I didn`t want to be seen as the odd worn out so I get stuck into it. I have always been looked down by this man, the interesting thing is that he does not slap or punches me, he pulls my hands to the back and hold you down in pain, hebreak light bulbs on my head and throws things at me, he pulls me down to point where I lost my confident and dignity, Iwas paralyse and its makes me feel like the world was against me.

I feel shameful and run away from people and shut myself away from this world going down the part of depression. Its take a lot of gut for me to decide on making a decision of leaving this abusive relationship or staying in it. I have to choose one.

I woke up one morning and decide to move on, leaving the abusive relationship, it was a big step for me thinking of the fact that I have been in it for eight years and this for me is the best and the hardest part of my life and the hardest decision I have ever made. I cried out for help and I found people that holds me up and supported me

At this stage I feel scared, I have made a wrong decision, I feel shameful and still try to  avoid people in my case because I have children, I have to pick myself up remembering where I was coming from keeps me thinking and going, I must not fail. In life they say when you hit rock bottom you will know the only way is up. Thinking about this and knowing that even people like me that experience domestic abuse in the UK still feel so shameful and feels like killing myself most night when my kids goes to bed. Makes me think of women that experiences violence in African countries, how do they survive it, if they ever or always survive it? What kind of support do they get? What measures can be put in place to support women that experiences domestic abuse in African countries. I must say this changes my life forever and thinking about it brings tears and hurt and shame back to me, the word I found myself repeating is “I Failed”. How do we support women that experiences domestic abuse in a way that will not bring them to the point of suicide or prostitution or drinking. How do we preach abuse to our young girls before they get to the stage of dating?

The risk of staying in an abusive relationship is that your self-worth, self-confidence, self-dignity, pride, the positive self-image you might have been dreaming you will portray in life  will keep deteriorating and you keep going down, leading to a part of depression

Domestic abuse to me is a big issue, it takes your life away completely and replaces it with pain, fear, anxiety. I cry for help for African women. Please let us come together and support each other. Together we are stronger, together we move mountains, wepave more path for our generation and the new generation coming behind. We are the solution to the world`s problem and this can only be achieved by us working together.





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Duchess International Magazine is an Inspirational, lifestyle, Fashion and Style publication.


    timothy bambo banjifetugas on

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